So how do you go about becoming emotionally intelligent? How do you heal all the parts that hurt and put together all the broken pieces of your soul?
Now that’s a toughy, but first things first: identifying what’s missing or what hurts. There are some things we do that are a product of our temperament types and to identify them I highly recommend Tim La Haye’s book – “Why you act the way you do” (https://timlahaye.com/Home/Product/151). There are other things we do that are a result of our background, belief systems and experiences. To help piece together those that are hurtful or unproductive, asking close friends, family (as Ogee commented in response to my last post) and even some colleagues will point you in the right direction. Before you ask though, be sure you’re mentally and emotionally prepared to hear the responses.
Armed with what you’ve been told, tackle them systematically, starting with the most hurtful especially in relation to those dearest to you. Does your spouse feel rejected because you never learnt how to be intimate? Have you never explained what you believe the problem is because you feared further rejection? Well, if you want to live a fulfilled life you have to trust somebody, sometime and if you do get rejected, at least you tried but then again you just might be surprised. Another thing to consider is you might need to confront or face those who you consider responsible for your pain – a parent you blame for letting you get molested, a bully who made your life hell, a best friend that betrayed you, a spouse that violated your trust? Sometimes it can be therapeutic to look them in the eyes and pour it all out. I do caution however: don’t expect remorse. You’re lucky if they are truly sorry, but a lot of times they are so wrapped up in themselves or dealing with deep issues themselves that they can’t summon up empathy or maybe don’t even care. Either way, you have to move on. The important thing is to face your fears, face your memories and stare down those ills that plague you. Know that their actions are not your fault and they get to live with what they’ve done. Something else that goes without saying, but is really hard to do, is to cut off some people from your life. Anyone that repeatedly hurts you and refuses to get help, should not be allowed to hurt you any more. Get counselling if you can or read some very good, instructive books on how to deal with your specific issues.
I’m a Christian, I’m not really one for self help books because I believe a lot of them are a load of croc, however a number of them, particularly from Christian authors, provide a world of insight and understanding that you would not easily find elsewhere. I’ve found that the mainstream way of tackling some issues sometimes requires a lot of medication and little to address the soul or spirit and as much as you may have heard this before, God’s way of doing things don’t always make sense but believe me they always work. For instance, some guru might tell you do: “what ever makes you feel good….you’re your own god, you are the master of your universe”, etc. Yeah well sniff all the cocaine you want, tell a Hurricane to stop or a Tsunami. Use that mantra to make your girlfriend love you or your boyfriend stop beating the crap out of you. Better yet, undo all the damage that’s been done with the wave of a hand………..has it gone yet? Really? Na! You just convinced yourself that it has. That’s not the way life works. We aren’t a mistaken product of some big bang aeons ago, but rather a well thought out creation by a sovereign God. Yes we determine a lot in our lives, but there are things that happen around us or to us that we can’t always control; the key is being emotionally prepared to tackle them.
What does this have to do with anything? Well it usually helps to go to the Source, to figure out how to live. Now don’t zone out on me…..just trying to share what I’ve found to work. And yes I know so many people have abused Christianity and made it unattractive to many, but that happens with anything good.
Most importantly, overcome your issues and grow strong so you can help your children prepare for their future……..for life. Many curve balls will be thrown their way but you can’t guide them on how to deal with them, when you yourself never learned.
“Physician heal thyself”